The Best Way to Get a Hero Is to Create One

Excerpted from Saddle Up Your Own White Horse: 5 Principles Every Woman Needs to Know
by Saundra Pelletier (TILIS Publishers), pp. 61–63. © Saundra Pelletier

In the best male-female relationships, the women develop their heroes. This may take a lot of work, but it’s well worth the effort in the end. Think about this logically. When you invest in your job, you get more rewards. When you invest in your health, you look and feel better. So when you invest in refining your partner, you have lasting happiness. Praise goes a long way with men. Nagging and complaining are like treading water—you move a little, but you don’t make much forward progress. Focus on what is working in your relationship instead of what is not working. The most effective way to get action from a man in any situation is to create the idea that only he can handle it. He is the hero who can save the day. When you praise women, they wonder what you want, but when you praise men, they want more of it, as long as the praise seems genuine.

Darcy took my advice and started praising her husband’s good behavior. At the time, he was disconnected from their kids because he felt that it was the mother’s role to help with the homework and interact with the kids on weeknights while he unwound with a glass of Cabernet. When he did spend time with the kids, Darcy complimented his technique and talked about how much they admired him and the positive ways that he impacted them. This did increase his interaction, but she wanted to know this behavior would continue. An excellent way to ensure good habits is to praise men not only privately but publicly. I told Darcy to begin having phone conversations within earshot of her husband in which she told friends and family how lucky she felt that Tom was such an influential role model to their kids and how much progress they made when he had time to share his way of doing things. It was that easy. He told Darcy that he wanted to help with the homework at least two days a week, and although his schedule might change sometimes, it was important that he spend more time with the kids.

If you need a favor from your spouse or significant other, patting and caressing him is a very effective technique. Always thank him by saying “What would I do without you?” If you can get away with it, actually say, “You’re my hero” or “You are a prince” or “I just adore you.” And of course, sex will almost always solidify the deal.

Let’s not forget to also focus on refining ourselves. Even though we are almost perfect, we need to always lead by example when it comes to change. For example, if you expect your man to be nicer to your friends, demonstrate that behavior with his friends. If you would like an afternoon to yourself, suggest that he hang out with his friends while you do the same. If he needs to improve his eating habits or weight, do the same yourself, even if you already practice good habits. Most importantly, change some pet peeve that he has about you.

If you need a man to take action in a professional relationship, you can use one of two tactics. If you are the man’s boss or a peer, tell him, “Things just get done better when you step in” or “The way you do things always gets results.” If you are the man’s subordinate, let him know how much you admire him: “I learn so much from you and wanted to ask how you would handle this particular situation.” If the action needed is one that someone of his authority level must initiate, say, “I know you would want to know about this situation because you have such high standards. I want to provide solutions, so I have thought of some alternatives.”

In professional settings, men love to receive acknowledgment and accolades. They want to know that they are completing their duties effectively while developing the admiration and appreciation of others. Keep in mind that compliments from women at the office have a different meaning and magnitude than compliments from women in a social setting. Many men perceive that we are not as threatening professionally as we are personally. They see women in professional settings as team members and support staff—members of the crew helping them steer the “big ship”—so use that perception to your advantage. Most men secretly think they are superstars professionally, so your endorsement only validates their thoughts. A few kind, genuine remarks made in private will shift a man’s focus toward helping you reach your goals. His innate “fixer” wants to accomplish the tasks at hand and move on, and if he is helping a “damsel in distress,” that’s even better.

Never think of men as the enemy in work settings. Instead, think of how you can recruit them to your side to support your agenda. There are too many of them, so we can’t beat them; therefore, we need to join them on their playing field and adapt their rules of engagement to meet our needs. Large meetings are usually not the most effective forum in which to get our points heard. Having side conversations, making time for private one-on-one meetings, and forming alliances is the best strategy to lead in professional relationships with men. Gain their support privately and then maximize it publicly. We need to stop playing nice and start playing smart.